About the Poem
"What Is This? " was written in a moment when I knew I was losing the very most important thing in my life.
Two people meeting on the internet, and then in person, facing challenges of medical hardships. Something that quickly became friendship, and so much more. Someone I came to trust and love like I had never before.
But still my best friend's getting closer to death and leaving me waiting to hear from him or see him more, brought about feelings of insecurity and disappointment as well as anger for not being there when I needed him. I knew that no matter how ill I was I could find a way to communicate with my very best friend, and I couldn't understand how his absences only brought excuses of illness. I would be there through his mood changing illness, I would understand and be there, but had to do so cautiously of a forbidden love.
How could I care so much for someone who was so cold at times? Was it the brief moments that were filling our days and nights initially with unspeakable caring and passion? Those moments were disappearing and it seemed so was the mutual concern. I was supposed to back away and I did. I wasn't supposed to drown him with all that I cared for him. I was just supposed to respond to his moods and his questions and trust that he still loved me as he had once said he did. And I could because he was not just someone I loved, but he was my best friend. Just knowing he was there brightened my day, and made me forget my own problems but my own health took my patience away for tolerating his absence and he couldn't seem to understand that.
Now he's gone with best wishes for what's left of our lives and still I can't help but question how can I still love this person so very much? What is this? Is THIS love?
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What Is This?
The face of disappointment reflects back from a blank screen,
Faded memories of a love that I had once before seen,
Foolish yes, foolish no, never really sure where this person wants to go.
I've given my best, I've given my all, and yet in return my heart's left
A whim and on grace, it's torn from this place that I've hidden before.
I can't touch it, can't see it, but please still believe it?
What trusts must I be burdened to hold, while my heart grows so cold?
No hint of desire, no thoughts to conspire my reverence is forced to
Not captive, not free, what place would this be? Not heaven, not earth,
joy and not mirth,
Sheer terror, and dread whirl 'round in my head.
No warm comforting kisses, no "I love you", no "I miss's"
Just bleed me, and lead me around on this string,
No consequences, no regrets, no thoughts of effects,
Nothing, but fading into shadowy absences.
What life is this? What place is this? What feeling is THIS that you
How do you dare?
You dictate my words, the things that you've heard, the choice of my
and Yes, my love
What right have you? Whose words have commanded from above?
Who are you? What are you? Incomprehensibly, the one I love.