February 20, 1999, 1:16am- 4:35pm. This is a Christian's confession about not being able to live up to Jesus's example.
A Lenten Confession
|by Sir William James Jaun De La Cruz Lindberg|
When one lives in a world filled with paradox
It is difficult to describe what one truly believes
When one defines reality as an absence of black and white realities
Questions of absolutes become almost impossible to see.
In my heart I know what I believe
Intellectually I cannot simply tell you what I mean
There are no simple answers nor are there simple questions either
Every question demands some qualification
Every question contains many boundaries that tasks to be explored
This is how my mind operates in tandem with my heart and soul
I don't know how your mind operates
but I hope it's united with your heart.
Ask me a simple question and I'll give you a complex response:
When I applied to graduate school it took me three years
to write the five page essay titled: What do you Believe?
Mentally I haven't a clue how to proceed
I really do not know how to describe what is truth
Paradoxically I do know in my heart what is true and real:
God is and we are
God is one and so are we
even though we work very hard
fragmenting ourselves from our self
It's simply hard to explain these things academically
Sure I could give the standardized creedal response
but you know what, any unbeliever can do that.
Some have suggested that I need to be fully indoctrinated
into the Christian faith in order to construct
the proper response to the question, what do you believe?
But my response to these lines of interrogations are as follows,
what purpose does indoctrination serve if one does not
truly understand and live Christ's teachings from the heart?
Further, I don't think my heart and mind would allow itself to
take the process of indoctrination seriously.
Every question needs to be defined from at least two perspectives:
how else can one know what another is talking about?
When a person asks me the question, wither I am Christian
I shamefully answer with a downcast YES
Or proudly respond that I'm Roman Catholic
With the full knowledge that these are evasive answers
to the meaning of the question, What is Christian
Sure it may be satisfactory to some to lie by answering YES
but in my heart and mind any response needs to be qualified.
On the other hand, if I answer from my spirit
informed mind, the response to the question has to be a NO!
Because deep inside I know, I am not one with Jesus the Christ
In the interior castle which constructs my crystal soul
where God in Christ calls his, true, home
I do not have this personal relationship
that I do often desire and long for
but I do have one with mine and Adam's total depravity.
Just because I chose to be Baptized at age eleven
felt God's hand flood through me like a raging river
nailing my knees to the floor as he/she made love to me
Does not mean that I am or have become a little Christ.
Just because I am a student of theology, seeking truth
while loudly pounding upon the door of understanding
Does not mean that I fit my description of a little Christ.
Just because God led me to the gates and pushed me through
the doors of the Holy Catholic Church
Does not denote that I am always - past, present, and future -
or am in full union with Christ Jesus.
Just because from time to time I heartfully desire to serve,
strive to give my life to Jesus the Christ
Does not mean that I have become a little Christ
Because deep down inside, I know, something holds me back
for I know that I am truly in love with my own depravity.
I am not a Christian
This is my honest feeling about questions of this nature:
I may be in the process of becoming a new Adam;
But deep down inside, I know, that I have not become just yet,
because my relationship with the God in Jesus
is far too transient to transform me into a little Christ
The closer I get to my hearts deepest desires
The farther away I seem to slide.
This is my honest answer to the question stated above
it is about what I know in my heart of hearts to be true
about God's love and desires for us to become:
For our world indeed is built upon the bricks of paradox.